more questions than answers
Most of the Australians I met on my recent holiday were brilliant people; friendly, welcoming, great company and most possessed a very British style sense of humour.
However, there was one element of my Australian experience that was slightly irritating; the tendency for people to ask questions. For example, if you ever purchased goods in a shop using a card, you were immediately greeted with 'Credit or savings ?'
Another fine example was the following exchange one early morning at Brisbane airport where I attempted the seemingly simply task of purchasing four hot drinks as we waited for a short flight to Hamilton Island.
'Good morning - Aaaahhh yaaah gaawwnn ?'
'Good morning. Well, we're going to Hamilton Island for three days. It should be fantastic.'
'Naah - I said 'How are you going ?'
'We're flying - how do you think we're getting there - kayaking ? Plus, we're in an airport. That's a rather obvious clue.'
'No worries. What can I git yer ?'
'A tea, a coffee and two hot chocolates, please.'
'What sort of tea ?
'Err - what have you got ?'
'Green Tea, Liptons Tea, Earl Grey, Camomile Tea, English Breakfast, Iced Tea, Ass...'
'English Breakfast would be great. Thanks.'
'What size tea ?'
What sizes are there ?
'Small, regular, large.'
'OK - small please. Thanks.'
'What else did you want ?'
A coffee and two hot chocolates, please.'
'What sort of coffee ?'
'What have you got ?'
'Flat white, latte, mocha, frapp...'
'Oh Latte, please.'
'What size latte ?'
'Small, please.'
'What else did you say again ?'
'Just two hot chocolates please, Two small hot chocolates, please. That's all thanks.'
'Do you want sprinkles ?'
Now this question threw me a little. I looked back towards where the family were sitting at Gate 3. I saw much tapping of fingers, much looking at watches and much feigning of dying of thirst.
Inevitably, Norma was busy doing what she does best whenever she is located in an airport - busy reviewing the shopping facilities ready to conquer the world with her very own, embryonic 'Worldwide airport shopping and duty free outlets' blog.
Worse, one of the people who had requested a hot chocolate was also doing what she does best whenever she is located in an airport terminal - busy reviewing the toilet facilities ready to conquer the world with her very own 'People who have visited the toilets at Brisbane airport (domestic terminal just outside gate 7)' group on Facebook.
Now I had to think quickly, very quickly. People behind me were sighing and saying 'Ah, mate, just get a bloody move on , will ya ?' in a very un-British way.
I gestured frantically to Norman Junior III, sprinkling fictious sprinkles over a fictitious hot chocolate drink and raising my thumb up, smiling then turning my thumb down, frowning.
He looked rather quizzically and mouthed 'She's in the shop'. I re-doubled my efforts and repeated my sprkinkling gestures.
He looked rather quizzically and mouthed 'She's in the toilet.'
I gave up my charades, ignored the laughter behind me and turned back to the assistant.
'Yes please. Sprinkles on both.'
'Marshmallows ?'
'Sorry ?'
'Marshmallows ? Do you want marshallows on the hot chocolates ?'
By now, I was feeling I was the victim of some cruel joke and an Aussie version of Jeremy Beadle was going to jump out clutching a microphone. Either that or I was taking part in the Two Ronnies' legendary 'Fork Candles' sketch.
This endless interrogation was getting ridiculous but I resumed my mime act and frantically tried to get a response from Norman Junior III.
I decided to re-enact the famous scene from Ghostbusters where Marshmallow man strides all over the New York skyscrapers but he just looked quizzically and mouthed 'Can I have a muffin ?'
'Yes please. Marshmallows on both hot chocolates.'
'Is that all, mate ?'
'Yes.'
'Would you like me to go over your order ?'
'Well, no - I'd rather you got on and dispensed the drinks as my flight will be boarding soon' but I contented myself with 'Yes, please.'
'So, you want small latte, small English Breakfast, two small hot chocolates with sprinkles and marshmallows ?'
'Yes, yes - that's correct. Thanks.'
'Can I get anything else for you today ?'
'No thanks. That's all.'
'And how are you going to be paying today ?'
I briefly about offering plastic but quickly find $20 to avoid the inevitable 'Cheque or savings' interrogation.
Finally, the torture is over. I wait in the line for five minutes and the drinks are finally served. I grab the drinks and am looking around for a plastic stirrer.
'Are you the guy who asked for 'Small' ?'
'Err, yes.'
'Didn't you realise we don't do 'Small' any more - since July 25th, in fact ?'
'Err, no - I just ordered four hot drinks.'
'Yeah, well Eileen should have told ya. It's Regular or Large now. Only. No Small any more.'
By now, I'd had enough. I decided to turn the tables.
'Have you got a tray, please ?'
'Listen, I've given you four Regulars but I've only charged you for four Smalls.'
'Oh - that really is most kind. How can I ever thank you enough ?'
'Full sized tray or cardboard holder ?'holiday highlights
Memories of the annual summer vacation are now fading, the digital photos have been rationalised and printed, the video footage remains on the camcorder (thankfully) and the entries for 'Holiday Highlights' have now been received and short-listed.
Norma - 'So many memories. Catching up with friends and family, the climate, the lifestyle, The awesome scenery of the Bungle Bungles, the idyll that is Hamilton Island, sailing to Freemantle, cuddling a Koala, the endless miles of white sand and blue sky at Cable Beach.'
Norman - 'When Norma spotted the first kangeroo in the wild but couldn't tell anyone because she was squatting down in the bush, having a pee.'
Norman Junior III - 'When we were having that lovely Aussie sing-song on the 4x4 truck, we ran out of songs and there was a brief silence until Dad piped up with 'Maybe it's because I'm a Londoner.'
Norma Jeane - 'Free Internet access and those little drawers where you can charge cameras, phones and iPods at Singapore airport.'
Auntie Vera - 'When Norma mounted the kerb while driving the beach buggy on Hamilton Island. And nearly ran that lady over.
fear and loathing in Broome
As we meandered our way through Western Australia, we took a taxi from the rather mediocre accommodation provided by 'Ocean Lodge' to Broome airport to fly back home via Darwin.
As we turned a corner on a deserted road, an Aboriginal woman and her daughter crossed the road in front of us. They looked up before crossing and walked quickly across the road towards a school. It would have been courteous for the taxi driver to have slowed down but he maintained his speed and turned to me in the passenger seat:
'Damn - missed 'em. Maybe next time, eh ?'
I simply couldn't believe my ears. I looked at the driver's smiling face and replied:
'Still - they were here first, weren't they ?'
An awkward silence followed. I could feel my wife's eyes drilling into the back of my head and even the children looked a little uncomfortable at the chilly atmosphere.
Cogs slowly turned. The driver paused and then retorted:
'Yeah - they were here first alright but that doesn't mean they should get an allowance to keep four dogs though.'
I'd dearly love to end the story with how I pointedly waited for the racist, ignorant taxi driver to slowly and laboriously count out every last 10 cents of my change for a $12.20 fare.
But I didn't - I gave him $15, grabbed our four heavy bags from the boot and got out of that cab as fast as I possibly could.
the other side of Aboriginal culture
Of course, unfortunately, there is another less attractive side to Aboriginal culture.
When I last visited Australia in 1990, we took a flight to Alice Springs. Back then, Uluru was more commonly known as Ayers Rock and people were freely able to climb the massive sandstone rock. I used to be quite proud of the fact that I had scaled Ayers Rock and written: 'Nice view, bit busy, could use an ice-cream stall' in a tatty visitors book on the summit. Now the rock has subsequently and rightfully been returned to the local Aboriginal communities who view it as a sacred site, I am almost ashamed of the fact.
Twenty years ago, en-route to Alice Springs we saw small groups of Aboriginals congregating in dry creeks, drinking and obviously under the influence of alcohol and we heard that sometimes, they perished when the rains came and the creeks flooded. On this visit, we also saw small clusters of Aboriginals on parkland, sitting, chatting, drinking and occasionally shouting and arguing.
Now this behaviour can be (understandably) intimidating to tourists but to be honest, I walked straight past and the Aboriginals didn't pass me a second glance. They didn't speak to me, they didn't harangue me, they didn't ask me for money. In fact, I've had more hassle off beggars in the South Bank underpass at Waterloo station in London.
It was as if we simply didn't exist and in many ways, I suspect they probably wish we didn't. Not in their country anyway.
Aboriginal culture
In the last week of the great Australian adventure, we took a guided tour from Kununurra to Broome, in a 4x4 truck, visiting Purnululu National Park and the Bungle Bungles.
The scenery was fantastic, the company was great and our guide was interesting, professional, humorous and knowledgeable.
One day, we also took another boat trip and a bushwalk at Fitzroy Crossing with an Aboriginal guide.
The Aboriginal guide was fascinating. He talked about Aboriginal culture, the importance of Dreamtime, respect for the environment, respect for each other, how Aboriginals lived off the land for 40,000 years, the extended kinship model, the need to take just what you want and not what you need. In fact, there are so many areas we could learn from the Aboriginal culture.
At night, we were able to gaze up into a beautiful, dark, crystal clear sky. I was amazed to be able to clearly see the Milky Way, Venus and identify various constellations in the night sky. Then one of my new found Aussie friends broke the silence with a statement that staggered me and made me pause for thought:
'Of course, the Aborigines don't look at the stars. They look at the spaces between the stars.'