conspiracy theories
When I returned from evensong last night, after I had ironed five shirts and read a bedtime story to my loving (but strangely uncommunicative) teddy bears, I sat down with a hot cup of Horlicks to enjoy two hours of high quality Sunday night viewing.
I don't know why but I have always had an interest in 'conspiracy therories'. When I was a lad, I was convinced that
- Marilyn Monroe was killed by the Kennedy brothers.
- Ashley Grimes was a undercover Manchester City spy.
- JFK was assasinated by Norma Jeane Mortenson from the grassy knoll.
- UFO's had landed at Roswell and probably deposited Ashley Grimes.
Of course, that was then. This is now. Back then I was a boy. Now I am a man (sort of). With the passing years, I have matured and changed my beliefs accordingly.
- 9/11 was instigated by the US government in order to invade Afghanistan and Iraq.
- Lady Diana (Princess Of Our Hearts) was assasinated by an Italian Pizza chef, driving a white Fiat Punto on the orders of Prince Phillip (The Greek).
- Kurt Cobain's death was directly or indirectly arranged by Courtney Love.
Imagine my horror, when last night's BBC Conspiracy Files tells me that 9/11 was the work of Al Qaeda terrorist cells coupled with failings by the US intelligence services.
This revelation shocked me. I was stunned. I was struggling to assimilate this bombshell which opened to question so many of my dearly held beliefs. To ease the pain, I poured the Horlicks down the sink and cracked open a Grolsch.
I quickly switched channels to FA Cup Match of The Day in an effort to restore a sense of normality. Another conspiracy - Manchester City had avoided an FA Cup giant-killing and beaten Preston.
That's it. I can't take any more. I am going to bed. Only I couldn't. I had to stay up to watch another deep, probing, investigative BBC program to finally which would surely prove that I am not clinically insane and confirm (or at least keep faintly alive) just one of my conspiracy theories.
Unfortunately,'The last 48 hours of Kurt Cobain' proposed the ridiculous assertion that Kurt Cobain was a manic depressive, heroin addict in denial with wild mood swings, depressed at his sought after fame and cult status, desperate to escape an unhappy marriage but simultaneously petrified of being denied access to his two year old daughter.
After another brief and unsuccessful attempt in rehab, Cobain embarked on yet another drug binge in Seattle before penning a suicide note and shooting himself in the head with a shotgun.
So the fact that Cobain's body had massive amounts of heroin that would have rendered him incapable of pulling the trigger, the fact that another hand wrote the closing line 'Please keep going Courtney, for Frances' and the curious fact that Cobain carefully tidied away his drug paraphernalia when dead are all just examples of yet another conspiracy theory.
Rene Carayol's clever approach to taxation
I also enjoyed last night's 'Did they pay off their mortgage in two years ?' about a likable creative artist from Cornwall who makes interesting, arty (and high margin) stoves from VW car parts aimed at rich people in South Kensington.
The last minute of the show was a real emotional roller coaster.
Firstly, I was delighted to hear the couple's hard work had showed an unbelievable return of £104,000 profit but then shattered to hear they had fallen a paltry £1,500 of being able to pay off their mortgage in full.
My hopes rose again as 'international businessman and motivational speaker, Rene Carayol' spontaneously (and very conveniently) purchased a stove and handed them the £1,500 in cash.
Then I started to laugh uncontrollably as I struggled to assimilate Rene's closing words
'Congratulations. You have done it. You have paid your mortgage off. Now there's just one more small thing to do. Review the books and see how much you owe the tax man.'So, although they paid their mortgage off, the couple are now saddled with a sizable personal loan to clear their debts to the Inland Revenue.
can Gerry Robinson fix IT ?
I was fascinated by the 'Can Gerry Robinson fix the NHS' series broadcast on BBC2 this week.
Not because I learned a lot about how the NHS works. Not because I was staggered at the simplicity of Robinson's approach. Not because I was surprised that Robinson managed to implement various changes to significantly reduce waiting lists at a Rotherham hospital in just 6 months.
I was fascinated because I have encountered so many of those issues, heard so many of those quotes verbatim and met so many of those stereotypes during 20 years in IT.
- The people who meet any sensible suggestion for improvement with an array of negative reasons why that simply won't be possible.
- The people who estimate that implementing a simple change will take months to implement.
- The retort of 'That will need another meeting to be set up.'
- The senior management who haven't got a clue about the real issues faced by people working on the shop floor.
- The people actually using the system know what the real issues are.
- The lengthy, directionless meetings which agree to 'do something' but don't assign ownership or commit to a date.
- The expensive use of 'management consultants' to tell senior management what they already know.
- Cost cutting in the very areas that need extra resources.
Consequently, the waiting lists will rocket, Brian James will lose his job, the consultants will revert to their old ways and the job freeze will be reinstated.
However, Gerry Robinson and the BBC will be invited back to film a second series.
fast and dangerous
Richard Hammond, the 36 year old presenter of Top Gear and Brainiac, is critically ill in a Leeds neurosurgery unit with serious injuries after crashing at over 200 mph in a high-speed jet powered car, Vampire.
Let's hope he pulls through.
Dragon's Den
'Dad - please can I have 5 pounds ?'
'If I were to give you the 5 pounds, what exactly would you spend the money on ?'
'I'm going into town to buy Emma a CD for her birthday.'
'...but surely 5 pounds won't be enough.'
'Well Mum gave me 15 pounds but I can get the CD for 8 pounds from Tesco'
'Oh I see. Now you've got me interested. You have already secured seed funding from an angel investor. Net margin close to 100%. What will your turnover be in years 2 and 3 ?'
'Oh just forget it. I'll use some of my babysitting money.'
[In a amazing development, the entrepreneur reveals she has a second business which she hasn't even disclosed]
'What babysitting money ?'
'I got 20 pounds for babysitting for the Barnstormworths last Saturday night'
'Why the Barnstormworths ?'
'Well they pay the most and I always babysit when Mrs Barnstormworth is driving'
'What do you mean ?'
'Well - it's 3.75 pound an hour but if Mr Barnstormworth has been drinking, he can't do the sums for quarters of an hour so he just rounds up to 5 pound an hour.'
'Any plans to grow the business ?'
'Well Mum said next year, I could babysit in mid-week if my homework was finished and after midnight the rate doubles'.
'OK. Let me tell you where I stand...'
'Dad - please can I just have 5 pounds or I'll miss the bus ?'
'I like the sound of the business model but the valuation is simply ridiculous so I am prepared to make you an offer of 4 pounds for 10% equity in the CD racketeering business and 40% equity in the babysitting company. '
[After this astounding and unexpected turnaround, this young person looks to have secured the funding]
'However there is one important fact that you have completely overlooked - a fatal flaw...'
'What's that, Dad ?'
'You won't have any time for babysitting as you'll be staying in looking after Norman Junior while me and your mum go out and enjoy ourselves. This service will be completely free of charge. Therefore, I am withdrawing my offer. You didn't pitch well. You don't have a viable business plan. You don't know anything about CRM. You're young and inexperienced. You don't listen to advice. So that's it. I'm not interested in working with you and I'm certainly not interested in investing so I'm out.'
'Mum - can I have 5 pounds ?'